Konoha's Sadistic Prankster
by AckaRed
Summary: Imagine the Naruto world without Sakura. Just think: who would be on Team 7 instead of her? Your answer would be a hyperactive, slightly crazy, sadistic kunoichi named Noriko, adopted sister of Anko Mitarashi and best friend of Naruto Uzumaki. Rated T for language, may become M for same reason. Better title needed.
1. Chapter 1

Imagine the Naruto world without Sakura. Before either the tears or the laughter, just think: who would be on Team 7 instead of her? Your answer would be a hyperactive, slightly crazy, sadistic kunoichi named Noriko, adopted sister of Anko Mitarashi and best friend of Naruto Uzumaki. How different will the plot be? Will there be blood, sweat, tears? Will the threat of the devil cat itself, Tora, ever be neutralised? And will Sasuke Uchiha still choose the Michael-Jackson snake over Konoha? The world will never know, unless it reads the story! Or reads my mind. Either or.

This story starts with an orphan. Wait, the original started with one too? Okay, this story starts with ANOTHER orphan. Happy now?

This orphan is female, with dark purple hair and dark brown eyes. She looks remarkably similar to her soon-to-be-sister, Anko Mitarashi – though she is only going to be adopted. She isn't actually related the the ninja.

She is six years old, and has just been kicked out of the orphanage yet again for 'looking too much like the snake's whore'. She is small for her age, dressed in bland, brown clothing that looks too ragged to not be second-hand. She goes barefoot for now, her shoes having been taken off when the matron shooed her out.

She is determined not to cry, so she concentrates on forcing the burning, salty tears back for now. She hears shouting, like she does every year when she gets kicked out of the orphanage at this time of year. This time, she thinks that maybe she should investigate.

She thinks it is a festival going on around the village – but aren't festivals supposed to be happy? These shouts sound angry – and is that a yelp of pain? She is unsure, but she creeps over in that direction through some dirty alleyways anyway.

Her hair is too long, and she has to pull it out of her eyes before she carefully peeks around the grubby brickwork. Her eyes widen as she sees a blonde boy – she knows who he is, though only by sight, he's the only other kid to have been kicked out of the orphanage that she knew of. He also broke her record for the number of times kicked out of the orphanage, which was no small feat.

Several adults – civilians, she guesses by the absence of any ninja forehead protectors – are crowding around him, kicking at him and calling him 'demon' and 'monster'. But … he couldn't be a demon, or a monster! Surely, if he was, he would strike back, or hurt them in some way?

The wind blows in her face, causing her to lower her eyelids slightly so she can still see. The faint stench of beer and spirits reach her sensitive nose. She wrinkles it. They were drunk.

She is scared, scared of the adults, scared for the boy, scared for what she _knows_ she is going to do.

"Leave him alone!" She cries, running forward and scattering a few away from the blonde.

"Huh, li'l girl, you d'n't know what you're talkin' 'bout," one slurs.

She feels the boy look up at her, shocked as she shakes her head and a few glittering tears float away from her eyes that she shuts. "He never hurt you! He never did anything! Leave him alone! If you need to hurt someone … hurt me instead! At least I know I did something nice!"

"You don't need to," the boy says quietly. "Just go – the masks'll be here soon. Won't be too bad."

"You're not a demon like t'other one," mutters a man holding a broken glass bottle that she suspects was about to stab the boy when she tried to stop them.

"Whatever! Beat 'em both up then!" Exclaimed another man, this one impatient and sporting a beard on his chin and a heavy stick in one hand.

She spreads her legs apart slightly, bending her knees a little and crossing her forearms over in a defensive position over the boy who still hasn't managed to stand up. Tears still seem to be slipping down her face and she tenses, waiting for the blows and the pain to start.

Instead, she is pleasantly surprised to hear a ninja landing in front of her and yell at the civilians. She cracks her eyelids open over her brown eyes. The civilians were cowering in fear now. The ninja is female, with purple hair just like her own, but it is kept up in a spiky ponytail. On a closer inspection, it's paler, not as vibrant. A long tan trenchcoat covered the ninja just past her knees, where her shin guards began. Ankle-high shinobi shoes were worn on her feet.

"Oi! Thought there was a law against trying to hurt Blondie! And the other kid as well? You've earned a visit to Ibiki! He'll be pleased," the shinobi adds at the end, and both of the orphans can hear her smirk in her voice.

A pair of ANBU, one with a rat mask and one with a boar mask, appear to escort the drunkards to the head of Konoha's Torture and Investigation department.

Rat half turns back to their saviour. "Remember to take the kids straight to the Hokage, Anko. No delaying for dango!"

The masked shinobi and the terrified civilians leave as the kunoichi sighs, dejected. She wanted some dango, damn it!

She looks over her shoulder at the orphans. "Well, you heard the bastard! To the Hokage we go!"

The girl blinks, then says timidly, "isn't bastard a bad word?"

The newly dubbed 'Anko' grins. "Yes, yes it is. That's why I use it!" She pretends she hasn't noticed the similarities between the orphan girl and herself.

The girl nods, though she isn't sure she understands. She extends a hand down to the boy, who grabs it gratefully and uses it to pull himself to his feet.

The orphan girl's mind is still spinning from what happened when they are standing in front of the Hokage. She doesn't remember the walk there in the slightest.

She realises that the old man, the woman – who she just now notices is only wearing a net shirt and a leather skirt underneath the trenchcoat – and the blonde were looking at her expectantly. "Ano … why are you all looking at me? I wasn't paying attention ..."

The Hokage chuckles as he puffs on his pipe. "She reminds me of you when you were her age, Anko. In looks _and_ personality."

"Don't know how. Never seen her before in my life," Anko murmurs thoughtfully.

"Sure she's not yours?"

Anko stares at him in shock. "I can't claim to be a virgin, but even if it wasn't for the fact I've never been pregnant, I haven't been laid for a couple of years longer than she's been alive!"

The Hokage waves a hand dismissively. "It was a possibility, anyway. So … in fact, I don't know your name. What is it?"

The girl stands up straight, grinning. She thrusts on arm up in the air in a fist, the other in front of her with the fingers a short distance apart, the centre one pointing directly up at the ceiling. "I am Noriko, current second-place holder of most-times-kicked-out-of-the-orphanage and reigning champion of most-times-kicked-out-of-the-orphanage-in-a-week with five cases! Aspiring kunoichi, hoping to join Konoha's T&I force to help Konoha be the best informed through captured shinobi of all of the Hidden Villages! The most innocent-looking female orphan this side of Fire Country with an excellent poker face for one under ten!"

Needless to say, the three are stunned. The other orphan, only about the fact that she seems _proud_ of the fact she was kicked out of the orphanage so much. She wasn't, really, but she found it amusing to keep up with the record for things like that.

Then, Anko, too, grinned. "I like you, kid."

"That makes one person ..." Noriko mutters, scribbling down on a piece of paper with a pencil. Neither had been there before – they seemed to have appeared out of thin air to both the adults and the blonde.

"Moving on … Noriko, you tried to help Naruto here. May I ask why?" The aging Hokage questions.

"Yup!" She grins again. Two minutes pass before the Hokage speaks again.

"Well then?"

"I answered you … you asked if you _could_ ask me why, but you didn't ask me why!" She nods as if to confirm her statement, grin never leaving her face.

The Hokage sweatdrops as Anko belts out some laughter. Why did this kid have to be so specific? "Okay, why did you try to help Naruto?"

"Because! One, he is the only person that gets kicked out of the orphanage more then me! Two, he is the person closest to breaking my record of person kicked out of the orphanage most in one week! Three, he is a fellow orphan! Four, from what little I've seen, he's kinda cool! Five, I just got kicked out again and was bored! Six, I needed inspiration for drawing! Seven, did I mention I was bored? Eight-"

"I think I get it now," the Hokage sweatdrops again. "But that was brave of you."

"-and I was very, very, very bored! Sorry, were you saying something?" Noriko hadn't noticed that the Hokage was talking, and is actually bouncing up and down. She is hyper, no doubt about it!

"Never mind." He has half a mind to bang his face repeatedly against his desk, but he doesn't. Probably guessing what Noriko would say.

Figuring that the conversation is over, Noriko bounces over to Anko. "Anko-nee! Your coat is so cool! I want one!"

Anko is startled, to say the least. Noriko is calling her sister? But she still smiles, feeling touched and – not that she won't deny it later – she hugs the orphan. "I know where we can get you one that'll fit you just right, Noriko-nee! But first, let's make sure the Hokage's finished with us, m'kay?"

Noriko laughs. "Okay!" She looks over at the Hokage as Anko sets her on the floor. "Can we go now, Old Man?" She asks, making Anko laugh again.

Though he grumbles about the lack of respect, he waves them off and lets them go. He watches Anko grab Noriko and jumps out of the window, wincing as the glass breaks because he just got it fixed.

Making a mental note to file a paper to make Anko Noriko's legal guardian, he turns back to the mountain of paperwork he's _sure_ has doubled since the three entered his office, neglecting to notice Naruto leaving his office a lot happier than when he had entered it.

_A/N: Hi, AckaRed here. Please read and review. The title sucks, but it's the best I've got. Did you know it's half past one in the morning right now? My mind's racing so I'm writing up a few chapter's of this. I tried to write it in present tense, first time ever, please tell me any mistakes! Also, I think it should only for this chapter/prologue thing. Please also note that Noriko has screwed up emotions and jumps from one to another in two seconds flat, like I do. It's simpler and more fun for me to write this way. It makes my characters more interesting, I think, but also more confusing. If anything needs explaining, please tell me in a review, or PM me!_


	2. ChII

Around five years later, the Hokage actually _is_ banging his head repeatedly against the desk. The reason, you ask? Konoha's pranksters have struck again. The faces of the four Hokage have been painted over in blue, green, yellow and pink with Naruto's dripping painting style with flowers and such, yes. But the worst, in his opinion, are the clear, neat strokes of dark red that cut through the other paint if it covered it. Noriko has, obviously, been buying spray paints again, he thinks, looking at the four terrible nosebleeds and varying messages of _"Might have been a pervert"_, _"Could have been a pervert"_, _"Reads Icha Icha Paradise in his spare time" _and _"Unsure, but due to his sensei, was most likely a pervert" _across the faces, respectively.

Though, he does wonder how she knew that he read his student Jiraiya's Icha Icha books, a series of perverted books that are, in the main, filled with smut.

What he doesn't know is that she stole them off him once and enjoyed the plot and description (of the NON-smut parts, thank you very much) immensely.

He sees them leap down from the platform they had erected against the mountain and behind a house. There, out of sight of everyone except one cat with three hapless Genin chasing after it, they inconspicuously _Henge_ into Izumo and Kotetsu, two Chunin who they know rather well and are unlikely to ever get promoted.

They walk over to the crowd that has gathered beneath their intense prank and start commenting about it, placing bets on A) who will find them (which is a toss-up between Anko and Iruka), B) how long it will take (within the hour or after three) and C) what the punishment will be (they agree on detention from Iruka, no matter what, with 'Kotetsu', or Noriko, adding on target practice with Anko, with them as the targets). This is a normal thing for the two eternal Chunin to do, so no one regards them with suspicion … until they go bug-eyed as they see both Anko and Iruka coming at them from different directions!

"Shit! Scatter!" Noriko swears and leaps away, dropping her _Henge_.

"Scattering!" Naruto replies, full of adrenaline and a little bit of fear as he, too, jumps away from the scene as himself.

Unfortunately for the two, they soon find themselves tied up in the front of their classroom, with Iruka standing over them.

"Stop doing stupid pranks! It's the day before your Genin Exam, do you want to fail like the last two times?" He shouted.

Noriko tilted her head. "You know … I might actually be aiming to do that. So mm!" She sticks her tongue out childishly.

"I want to pass this time, Noriko!" Naruto protests.

"So do I, Naruto! I was simply stating that I _might_ be aiming to fail this time! Not that I am!" Noriko feels offended that he would even suggest that.

"I know! I was mentioning that _I_ personally wanted to pass this time!"

"Stop using my specificness and technicalities against me!"

"I'm not the only one that does it!"

"Yeah, but you only do it to annoy me!"

"Well, is it working?" He asks.

Noriko's mouth drops open, then her right eye begins to twitch. Why did he have to keep doing her stuff, she thinks?

Sensing that he has overstepped his line, he apologises profusely and gets forgiveness soon enough.

"Well, if you too are _quite_ finished ..." Iruka-sensei begins.

"Nope, not yet." Noriko smiles sweetly, grinning as her blonde friend grumbles, digs through his pocket and hands her a small pile of money.

"And now?" He asks, teeth clenching.

"We're done … for now ..." Noriko lets out an evil laugh, and Naruto edges away slightly. She doesn't appear to notice.

"Right. As punishment for both skipping class and painting the Hokage monuments-" a few sniggers pepper the room "-you get detention at lunch and you have to scrub _all_ of the paint off after school."

Noriko raises her hand innocently. "My paint's permanent. No one's worked out how to get it off yet – all I know is going over it with more of the stuff works."

"Then you will _find_ a way. Oh, and your sister said that the two of you are doing some target practice straight after school today – and Naruto is to join you." He adds, after a slight pause.

Both of them pale for a moment, then Noriko smirks. "Fork it over, Blondie. And for the other bet, too."

Naruto looks sad. "Aw, man! That's all my ramen money gone!" He reluctantly hands it over to her.

"Then you shouldn't bet what you can't win!" She exclaims, gleefully pocketing her cash.

"I win bets against _everyone else_, except you!" He pouts unhappily.

"Exactly." The purple-haired girl stands up, drawing everyone in the classroom's attention to the loose rope that had bound her in a messy bundle on the floor.

"Ne, 'Ruto, did you forget how to get untied without chakra again?" She asks, raising an eyebrow, leaning predominately on her left leg with her hand on her hip as she tilts her head to the right.

He seems embarrassed. "Hehe, well, you see ..."

"You were more focused on trying not to die, right, got it." She sighs, closing her eyes. They snap open suddenly, and she grins with her eyes half closed. Naruto gulps, knowing what that expression means.

Evil. Her evil, slightly crazy grin is on her face _and she is staring right at him!_ He is going to die. He is going to _die._

And he hadn't even been to Ichiraku's ramen this morning!

He begins to sweat a little as she walks slowly towards him. She grasps some of the rope and a hunk of his orange jumpsuit, and, ignoring everyone else, leaps through the window with him in tow. The glass breaking makes a very loud _smash_, and the ANBU, at the very least, are likely to investigate for the Hokage – if he doesn't know already.

"_Ciao,_" she waves lazily with her free hand, not bothering to turn around. She jumps onto a roof, her grey trench coat flying out behind the two.

She uses the _Shunshin_, or the Body Flicker technique, to get them into Training Ground 44, more commonly known as the Forest of Death for some intense training and studying – they were not, she thinks, were _not_ going to fail this time!

_A/N: Hello, guess what! I'm not dead! I know, fantastic isn't it? Well, I've finally got off my ass and finished off this chapter, which is, admittedly, short-assed. I just though I'd mention, before anything about the _REVIEWS _I recieved, that I am workin__g on a couple of other Naruto fan fictions. One other will be uploaded for certain, it has a slight - SLIGHT - Detective Conan crossover part. All you - and I - need to know about it is this serum or something called Apotoxin-4869 that results in fatalities 99% of the time, and the remaining 1% will turn the person who got it injected into them or whatever into a child. It wasn't my idea, it was the idea of the wonderful _Maltrazz _who gave me permission to use it._

_Now, Reviews. First, here's the upload and glad you liked it. Second: yes, Sakura really does not exist in this story. Really. *Throws mini party*. Ahem. Well then, please REVIEW, I love them because it makes me happy to know that people enjoy my stories, and also follow the story, or you may NEVER find it again. Trust me, I know.  
_

_Bye!_


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